21화 규칙의 기원

"그럼 이제 그 얘기 해 주실래요?"

다니엘이 한결을 봤다.

"……앉아."

한결이 문손잡이에서 손을 뗐다. 책상 앞 의자를 끌어와 앉았다.

다니엘은 바로 말하지 않았다. 그는 책상 서랍을 열어 뭔가를 뒤적이다가, 결국 아무것도 꺼내지 않고 다시 닫았다.

"뭘 찾으세요?"

"……아무것도."

그가 손으로 얼굴을 한 번 쓸어내렸다.

"사진 같은 거 없어. 다 지웠어."

"……"

"4년 전에 다 지웠는데, 방금 잠깐 찾았네."

한결은 아무 말도 하지 않았다.

"이름은 최정우. 스물다섯이었어."

다니엘이 창 쪽으로 시선을 두었다.

"부산에서 왔어. 한국말은 나보다 잘했고, 영어는 너보다 못했어. 처음엔 오더도 제대로 못 받았어."

"……"

"근데 손이 좋았어. 소스를 맛보고 뭐가 빠졌는지 아는 애였어. 그런 애는 10년에 하나 나와."

그가 잠깐 멈췄다가 이었다.

"6개월쯤 지나서 소스 파트를 통째로 맡겼어. 그 전에도 그 후에도 없었어. 네가 오기 전까지는."

한결의 목 안쪽이 말랐다.

"사귀었어. 반년쯤 아무도 몰랐고."

"……어떻게 알려졌어요?"

"내가 흘렸지."

다니엘이 짧게 웃었다. 즐거운 소리가 아니었다.

"주방에서 걔한테 말할 때 목소리가 달랐대. 리암이 나중에 그러더라. 다 알고 있었다고."

"그다음이 문제였어."

다니엘이 책상 위 서류를 손끝으로 밀어냈다.

"디너 서비스 중에 정우가 스톡을 통째로 날렸어. 3일치. 불 조절을 놓쳐서 바닥이 탔거든."

"……누구나 하는 실수잖아요."

"그래. 나도 스물다섯에 두 번 했어."

"근데요."

"근데 그날 주방에 있던 애들 중에 걔만 나랑 자고 있었어."

한결이 눈을 들었다.

"기록에 올라가면 어떻게 되는지 알아? 로스 리포트에 담당자 이름이 박혀. 그리고 그 이름이 소스 파트 담당이야. 그때 우리 매장 등급이 B였고, 본사가 매달 리포트를 봤어."

다니엘이 의자에 등을 기댔다.

"그래서 내가 바꿨어. 내가 온도를 지시했다고 적었어. 사실이 아니었지."

"……"

"그때 나는 그게 제일 합리적인 판단이라고 생각했어. 실수는 실수고, 걔 실력이랑 상관없고, 기록 하나 때문에 커리어가 꺾일 이유는 없으니까."

"틀린 말은 아닌데요."

"틀린 말은 아니지."

다니엘이 고개를 돌려 한결을 봤다.

"근데 그날부터 주방 애들이 걔 접시를 다르게 봤어."

"잘 나가면 내가 봐줘서고, 못 나가면 내가 덮어 줄 거고."

다니엘의 목소리가 조금 낮아졌다.

"걔가 소스 새로 잡아서 올려도 아무도 의견을 안 냈어. 예전엔 세 명이 달려들어서 짜네 시네 했거든."

"……"

"평가가 사라진 거야. 칭찬도 없고 비판도 없고."

다니엘이 손등을 내려다봤다.

"석 달쯤 지났을 때 걔가 나한테 그러더라. 요즘 자기가 뭘 잘하는지 모르겠다고."

한결은 아무 말도 하지 못했다.

"나는 그때 위로를 했어. 남들이 뭐라고 하든 네 실력은 내가 안다고."

"……"

"그게 제일 나쁜 말이었어."

다니엘이 짧게 숨을 뱉었다.

"내가 안다는 게, 나만 안다는 뜻이었으니까."

"다니엘."

한결이 처음으로 그의 말을 끊었다.

"그게 다예요?"

다니엘이 고개를 들었다.

"무슨 뜻이야."

"리암은 다르게 말하던데요."

한결이 무릎 위에 올려 둔 손을 폈다.

"주방이 갈라졌다고 했어요. 반은 정우 씨 편이고 반은 아니었다고요. 그리고 반년쯤 버티다가 나갔다고요."

*버티다가.*

그 단어를 말하면서 한결은 자기 목소리가 조금 떨리는 걸 들었다.

다니엘은 부인하지 않았다. 대신 오래 침묵했다.

"……맞아."

"……"

"침묵만 있었으면 반년을 버틸 필요가 없었지."

"뭐가 있었어요."

"처음엔 사소한 거였어."

다니엘이 책상 위에서 손가락을 한 번 굽혔다.

"프렙 리스트에서 걔 몫이 자꾸 한 줄씩 빠졌어. 실수라고 하기엔 매번 걔 줄이었고."

"……"

"워크인에서 재료를 안 꺼내 줬어. 부르면 못 들은 척했고. 서비스 중에 Behind 하고 지나가는데 안 비켜 줬어."

"그거 위험한데요."

"위험하지."

다니엘이 짧게 웃었다. 자조에 가까운 소리였다.

"석 달쯤 됐을 때 걔가 손등에 화상을 입었어. 둘이 잡고 빼는 팬을 혼자 뺐거든."

한결의 숨이 멎었다.

"옆에 사람이 있었어요?"

"있었어."

"……"

"내가 그 자식 불러다가 세워 놨어. 주방 한가운데서."

다니엘의 목소리가 낮아졌다.

"한 번만 더 이런 일 있으면 그날로 자른다고 했어. 큰 소리로. 다 들으라고."

"그럼……"

"그다음 주부터 아무도 걔한테 말을 안 걸었어."

방 안이 조용해졌다.

"내가 뭘 할 때마다 걔가 더 혼자가 됐어."

다니엘이 의자에 등을 기댔다.

"내가 화내면 애들이 걔를 더 피했어. 내가 걔 접시를 칭찬하면 그날은 아무도 걔 접시에 의견을 안 냈어."

"……"

"걔가 나한테 그러더라. 셰프, 제발 아무것도 하지 마세요."

한결이 고개를 들었다.

"……그래서 안 하셨어요?"

"응."

"……"

"그게 걔가 나한테 부탁한 유일한 거였으니까."

다니엘이 손으로 눈을 덮었다.

"그러니까 나는 반년 동안 그걸 보면서 아무것도 안 했어. 걔가 그러라고 했다는 이유로."

"다니엘."

"그게 제일 편했거든."

그가 손을 내렸다.

"내가 나서면 상황이 나빠진다는 게, 나한테는 아무것도 안 해도 되는 이유가 됐어."

한결은 아무 말도 하지 못했다.

"걔는 반년을 버텼고, 나는 반년을 지켜봤어."

다니엘이 한결을 봤다.

"주방이 갈라진 게 아니야. 내가 갈라 놓고, 안 고쳤어."

"……왜 버텼을까요."

"내가 남게 해 주겠다고 했으니까."

다니엘이 짧게 숨을 뱉었다.

"석 달만 참으면 서류 나온다고. 그때까지만 버티라고 내가 매일 말했어."

"그리고 비자가 다가왔어."

한결의 손끝이 무릎 위에서 굳었다.

"482를 준비했어. 지금 너한테 준 거랑 똑같이. 조건을 여섯 줄 썼고, 그 여섯 줄에 걔만 맞게 썼어."

"……클로이가 반려했다면서요."

"들었나."

"네."

"그래. 반려됐어."

다니엘이 잠깐 침묵했다.

"그때 나는 클로이가 미친 줄 알았어. 사람 하나 인생이 걸린 서류를 형식 때문에 반려한다고. 반년 동안 말 안 했어."

"지금은요?"

"……지금은 클로이가 맞았다고 생각해."

그가 처음으로 한결의 눈을 정면으로 봤다.

"내가 만든 조건 때문에 걔는 아무하고도 비교당하지 않았어. 그러니까 아무도 걔가 진짜 잘하는지 몰랐어. 나만 빼고."

"……"

"그리고 나는 걔랑 자는 사이였고."

다니엘이 손가락으로 책상을 한 번 두드렸다.

"그러니까 내 판단은 증거가 안 돼. 아무리 그게 사실이어도."

"……반려 통보가 언제 왔어요?"

"비자 만료 5주 전에."

한결이 눈을 감았다.

"걔가 그날 마감하고 나한테 그러더라. 이제 그만두겠다고."

"……"

"남을 방법이 없어졌으니까 버틸 이유도 없다고. 남은 5주를 그 주방에서 보내기는 싫다고."

다니엘의 목소리가 낮아졌다.

"그다음 주에 나갔어. 그리고 3주 뒤에 비행기를 탔어."

"떠나기 전에 뭐라고 했어요?"

한결이 물었다.

다니엘이 대답하지 않았다.

"다니엘."

"……미안하다고 했어."

"정우 씨가요?"

"응."

한결이 숨을 들이켰다.

"자기가 미안하다고 했어. 나한테."

다니엘의 턱선에 힘이 들어갔다.

"자기 때문에 내가 기록까지 바꿨는데 결국 안 됐다고. 자기가 좀 더 잘했으면 됐을 거라고."

"……"

"내가 걔 실력을 못 믿은 게 아니라, 심사를 못 믿은 거였어. 근데 그게 걔한테는 똑같이 들렸던 거야."

방 안이 조용했다.

한결은 그 침묵 속에서, 자기가 지난주에 서류를 밀어내며 한 말을 떠올렸다.

*남는 방법이 그거 하나면, 남아도 내가 아니에요.*

정우는 그 말을 못 했다. 대신 미안하다고 했다.

"조항은 언제 만들었어요?"

"걔 나가고 두 달 뒤에."

"……"

"주방 내 사적 관계 금지. 위반 시 계약 해지. 계약서 4번에 넣었어."

다니엘이 짧게 웃었다.

"그거 넣으면서 무슨 생각 했는지 알아?"

"모르겠어요."

"다시는 누구 좋아하지 말자, 가 아니었어."

그가 고개를 들었다.

"다시는 누구 도와주지 말자였어."

한결이 자리에서 일어났다.

"다니엘."

"응."

"근데 저한테는 똑같이 했잖아요."

다니엘이 아무 대답도 하지 못했다.

"조건 여섯 줄 쓰고, 도장 다 받아 놓고, 나한테는 열어 보라고만 했잖아요."

"……알아."

"알면서 왜 했어요?"

한결의 목소리가 처음으로 떨렸다.

"4년 동안 그거 알고 계셨으면서, 왜 또 했어요?"

다니엘이 의자에서 일어났다.

한결의 앞까지 두 걸음이었다. 그는 그 두 걸음을 걸어와서, 손을 뻗지는 않았다.

"네가 떠나는 걸 못 보겠어서."

"……"

"4년 전에는 걔가 떠나는 걸 봤어. 공항까지 갔고, 게이트 앞에서 뭐라고 해야 할지 몰라서 아무 말도 못 했어."

다니엘의 목소리가 갈라졌다.

"그리고 그 뒤로 네 번의 여름 동안, 나는 그 장면을 안 잊었어."

"……"

"근데 네 비자 통지서를 보는 순간 그게 그대로 다시 왔어. 그러니까 나는 생각을 안 했어. 그냥 서류를 만들었어."

"다니엘."

"그게 널 어떻게 만들지는 하나도 생각 안 했어."

한결이 손을 뻗어 그의 셔츠 앞섶을 잡았다. 밀어내는 손이 아니었다.

"그럼 목요일에 저 붙으면요."

"……"

"그때는 축하한다고 말할 수 있어요?"

다니엘이 그를 내려다봤다.

호박색 눈이 한 번 흔들렸다. 스무 번쯤 감춰 온 것이 이제는 감춰지지 않았다.

이 순간 그가 하고 싶은 건 그 말이 아니었다. 하고 싶은 건 가지 말라는 말이었고, 4년 전 게이트 앞에서 못 한 말이기도 했다.

그런데 그 말을 하면 이 사람도 잃는다는 걸, 이제는 알았다.

"……할 수 있어."

다니엘이 말했다.

"연습할게."

한결이 웃었다. 눈이 붉어져 있었다.

"연습해요, 그럼."

한결이 문 쪽으로 걸어가다가, 손잡이 앞에서 한 번 멈췄다.

"다니엘."

"응."

"아까 그거요. 아무것도 하지 말라고 했다는 거."

"……"

"저는 그런 말 안 할 거예요."

다니엘이 고개를 들었다.

"그러니까 다니엘도 지켜보고만 있지 마세요."

"……"

"틀려도 되니까 뭐라도 하세요. 대신 저한테 먼저 물어보고요."

문이 닫혔다.

다니엘은 한동안 그 자리에 서 있었다.

4년 전에는 부탁을 들어주는 게 사랑인 줄 알았다. 그게 방관이었다는 걸 아는 데 네 번의 여름이 걸렸다.

그는 책상으로 돌아가 서랍을 열었다. 아까 아무것도 꺼내지 않았던 그 서랍이었다.

이번에는 프렙 리스트 양식을 한 장 꺼냈다.

그리고 목요일 칸에, 한결의 이름 대신 다른 사람 이름을 적어 넣었다.

English

"Then will you tell me about it now?"

Daniel looked at Hangyeol.

"......Sit down."

Hangyeol took his hand off the door handle. He pulled the chair in front of the desk over and sat.

Daniel did not speak right away. He opened a desk drawer and went through it, and in the end he closed it again without taking anything out.

"What are you looking for?"

"......Nothing."

He ran a hand down over his face once.

"There aren't any photos. I deleted them all."

"......"

"I deleted everything four years ago, and I just went looking for it anyway."

Hangyeol said nothing.

"His name was Jungwoo Choi. He was twenty-five."

Daniel turned his eyes toward the window.

"He came from Busan. His Korean was better than mine, and his English was worse than yours. At the start he couldn't even take an order properly."

"......"

"But he had good hands. He could taste a sauce and tell you what was missing. You get one like that once in ten years."

He stopped for a moment and went on.

"About six months in, I gave him the whole sauce section. Nobody before him and nobody after. Not until you came."

The inside of Hangyeol's throat went dry.

"We were together. For about half a year nobody knew."

"......How did it get out?"

"I let it out."

Daniel gave a short laugh. It was not a happy sound.

"They said my voice was different when I spoke to him in the kitchen. Liam told me later. Everyone had known."

"What came after was the problem."

Daniel pushed the papers on the desk away with his fingertips.

"In the middle of dinner service Jungwoo lost a whole batch of stock. Three days of it. He lost control of the heat and the bottom burned."

"......Anyone can make that mistake."

"Right. I made it twice at twenty-five."

"But?"

"But of everyone in the kitchen that night, he was the only one sleeping with me."

Hangyeol raised his eyes.

"Do you know what happens when it goes on the record? The name of the person in charge is printed on the loss report. And that name is the one who runs the sauce section. Our grade was B back then, and head office read the reports every month."

Daniel leaned back in his chair.

"So I changed it. I wrote that I had given the order on the heat. It wasn't true."

"......"

"At the time I thought that was the most reasonable call. A mistake is a mistake. It has nothing to do with his skill, and one line on a record is no reason for a career to break."

"That isn't wrong, though."

"No, it isn't wrong."

Daniel turned his head and looked at Hangyeol.

"But from that day the kitchen looked at his plates differently."

"If a plate went well it was because I let it through, and if it went badly I was going to cover it."

Daniel's voice dropped a little.

"Nobody said a word about a sauce he had just built. Before that, three of them would jump on it — too salty, too sharp."

"......"

"The **evaluation** was gone. No praise and no criticism."

Daniel looked down at the back of his hand.

"About three months in he told me he didn't know any more what he was good at."

Hangyeol could not say anything.

"I comforted him then. I said his skill was something I knew, whatever anyone else said."

"......"

"That was the worst thing I could have said."

Daniel let out a short breath.

"Because me knowing it meant that only I knew it."

"Daniel."

For the first time Hangyeol cut him off.

"Is that all?"

Daniel raised his head.

"What do you mean."

"Liam tells it differently."

Hangyeol opened the hand he had left on his knee.

"He said the kitchen split. Half were on Jungwoo's side and half were not. He said he **endured** about half a year and then left."

*Endured.*

As Hangyeol said the word, he heard his own voice shake a little.

Daniel did not deny it. Instead he was silent for a long time.

"......That's right."

"......"

"If there had only been silence, there would have been nothing to endure for half a year."

"What was there."

"At the start it was small things."

Daniel bent one finger on the desk.

"His share kept dropping off the prep list, one line at a time. It was too regular to call a mistake — every time it was his line."

"......"

"They didn't get ingredients out of the walk-in for him. When he called, they acted like they hadn't heard. During service he would say Behind and they wouldn't move aside."

"That's dangerous."

"It is dangerous."

Daniel gave a short laugh. It was closer to something turned on himself.

"About three months in he got a burn on the back of his hand. He pulled a pan alone that two people are supposed to lift out of the oven."

Hangyeol's breath stopped.

"Was there someone next to him?"

"There was."

"......"

"I called that one over and stood him there. In the middle of the kitchen."

Daniel's voice went lower.

"I said that if it happened one more time I'd fire him that day. Out loud. So everyone would hear."

"Then......"

"From the next week nobody spoke to him at all."

The room went quiet.

"Every time I **intervened**, he ended up more alone."

Daniel leaned back in his chair.

"When I got angry, they avoided him more. When I praised his plate, nobody said a word about his plate that day."

"......"

"He told me this. Chef, please do nothing."

Hangyeol raised his head.

"......So you did nothing?"

"Yes."

"......"

"Because that was the only thing he ever asked me for."

Daniel covered his eyes with his hand.

"So for half a year I watched it and did nothing. On the ground that he had told me to."

"Daniel."

"Because it was the easiest thing."

He lowered his hand.

"That things got worse when I stepped in became my reason for not having to do anything."

Hangyeol could not say anything.

"He held out half a year, and I watched for half a year."

Daniel looked at Hangyeol.

"The kitchen didn't split. I split it, and I didn't fix it."

"......Why do you think he held on."

"Because I told him I'd keep him here."

Daniel let out a short breath.

"That the papers would come if he held on three more months. I told him that every day."

"And then the visa came around."

Hangyeol's fingertips went stiff on his knee.

"I prepared a 482. Exactly like the one I gave you. I wrote six lines of conditions, and I wrote the six of them to fit him and nobody else."

"......I hear Chloe rejected it."

"You heard."

"Yes."

"That's right. It was rejected."

Daniel was silent for a moment.

"Back then I thought Chloe had lost her mind. Rejecting a paper a man's life hung on, over a formality. I didn't speak to her for half a year."

"And now?"

"......Now I think Chloe was right."

For the first time he looked straight into Hangyeol's eyes.

"Because of the conditions I made, he was never set beside anyone. So nobody knew whether he was really good. Nobody but me."

"......"

"And I was sleeping with him."

Daniel tapped the desk once with a finger.

"So my judgment isn't **evidence**. However true it is."

"......When did the rejection notice come?"

"Five weeks before the visa ran out."

Hangyeol closed his eyes.

"After close that day he told me he was going to quit."

"......"

"That there was no way to stay any more, so there was no reason to hold on. That he didn't want to spend the last five weeks in that kitchen."

Daniel's voice went lower.

"He left the next week. And three weeks later he got on a plane."

"What did he say before he left?"

Hangyeol asked.

Daniel did not answer.

"Daniel."

"......He said he was sorry."

"Jungwoo did?"

"Yes."

Hangyeol drew a breath in.

"He said he was sorry. To me."

The line of Daniel's jaw tightened.

"That I had even changed a record because of him and it still hadn't worked. That if he had been a little better it would have been fine."

"......"

"It wasn't that I didn't trust his skill. I didn't trust the assessment. But to him the two sounded the same."

The room was quiet.

In that silence Hangyeol remembered what he had said last week as he pushed the file away.

*If that is the only way to stay, then the man who stays isn't me.*

Jungwoo had not been able to say that. He had said sorry instead.

"When did you write the clause?"

"Two months after he left."

"......"

"No private relationships inside the kitchen. Breach means the contract ends. I put it in as Clause 4."

Daniel gave a short laugh.

"Do you know what I was thinking while I put it in?"

"I don't know."

"It wasn't *never fall for anyone again*."

He raised his head.

"It was *never help anyone again*."

Hangyeol stood up from his seat.

"Daniel."

"Yes."

"But you did the same thing to me."

Daniel could not answer at all.

"You wrote six lines of conditions, you got every stamp on it, and all you told me was to open it."

"......I know."

"Then why did you do it?"

Hangyeol's voice shook for the first time.

"You knew that for four years. Why did you do it again?"

Daniel stood up from the chair.

It was two steps to where Hangyeol stood. He walked those two steps and did not reach out.

"Because I couldn't watch you leave."

"......"

"Four years ago I watched him leave. I went as far as the airport, and in front of the gate I didn't know what to say, so I said nothing."

Daniel's voice cracked.

"And for four summers after that, I never forgot that scene."

"......"

"Then the moment I saw your visa notice it all came back exactly the same. So I didn't think. I just made the papers."

"Daniel."

"I didn't think for one second about what it would make of you."

Hangyeol reached out and took the front of his shirt. It was not a hand that pushed.

"Then what if I pass on Thursday."

"......"

"Will you be able to say congratulations then?"

Daniel looked down at him.

His amber eyes shook once. What he had hidden about twenty times would not stay hidden any longer.

What he wanted to say at that moment was not that. What he wanted was to say *don't go*. It was the thing he had not been able to say in front of the gate four years ago.

But he knew now that if he said it he would lose this one too.

"......I can."

Daniel said.

"I'll practice."

Hangyeol laughed. His eyes had gone red.

"Practice, then."

Hangyeol walked toward the door, then stopped once in front of the handle.

"Daniel."

"Yes."

"That thing from before. That he told you to do nothing."

"......"

"I'm not going to say that."

Daniel raised his head.

"So don't just stand and watch either."

"......"

"Get it wrong if you have to, but do something. Only ask me first."

The door closed.

Daniel stood there for a while.

Four years ago he had thought that granting a request was love. It took four summers to learn that it was **neglect**.

He went back to the desk and opened the drawer. It was the drawer he had taken nothing out of before.

This time he took out a blank prep list.

And in the Thursday column he wrote someone else's name instead of Hangyeol's.